This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
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what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.