My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
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I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Adultry does not sound fun at all
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?