If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
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[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Whoa… oh I see lol
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
🙂🙃🥹
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad: