SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
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First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
🤣😈🤣
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?