(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
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let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it