*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
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As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot