Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
You Might Also Like
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
“you recording!?”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.