FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
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[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
wow
Imma just leave this here…………
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.