I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
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Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Namaste
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Lmaoo 😂
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
🤣🤣
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.