Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
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I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?