some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
You Might Also Like
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.