My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
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Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.