Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
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Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.