Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
You Might Also Like
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge