[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
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Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.