Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
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Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.