I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
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The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Got ya covered
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
My purse is deeper than some people.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*