When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
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Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I love the honesty
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain