Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
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God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls