[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
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Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
These 3D printers are insane!
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*