wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
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Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
me logging onto twitter
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?