Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
You Might Also Like
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order