There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
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Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
christening a ship with an overripe banana
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?