GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
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Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…