why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
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Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal