We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
happy mother’s day❤️
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.