I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
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10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor