100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
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it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”