You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
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My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?