Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
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[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Finally, an explanation.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”