I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
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“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
me hooking up with my ex
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
This is true.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.