[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
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Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Holy moly
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic