Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
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I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.