My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.