13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
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*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
you gotta be faster
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid