Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA