My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
You Might Also Like
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
.. do you even science?
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”