Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
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Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.