waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
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Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
stop
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
The photographer’s assistant
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed