me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
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*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do