Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
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me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
This kid is a star!
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs