My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
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[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
how to exercise your calf muscles
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Not all heroes wear capes…
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.