“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
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When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I love it all
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
No way!