Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
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“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers