parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
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rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
“you recording!?”
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
WHO DID THIS?
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning