“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
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Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
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! ! ! !
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.