I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
You Might Also Like
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
no!! no!!!!!!
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
A choir of Spring onions
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.