Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.