Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…