I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
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Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I’m not alone. I have ants.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday